Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

If one were to ask me how I felt on the last day of 2011, I would say that it was a good year.

Although if I were to probe deeper, it was also probably one of the most depressing years ever but as long as it ended well, its all that matters right? :D

Top 5 best decisions made in the year 2011 that turned the year around:

1. Quit school after winter quarter.

Back then, that decision seemed like 'the end of the world' for I was already behind most of my peers and a one year break would only leave me further behind in the dust. But looking back, honestly, what is a mere few years. If I intended to stay on, I might graduate in time like every other of my peers, but who's to say that would guarantee success? Maybe that year the DAT would be extremely hard. Maybe there would have been a huge influx of aspiring dental students and limited seats. Maybe this and that and the list goes on.

What I do know now, after having to pay back my student loans for the time being, is that I'm glad I quit. Why should I waste so much money on out-of-state fees for the sake of keeping up appearances when I could just patiently wait a year and get the rightful full scholarships I'm entitled to for all the hard work I put in. In fact, looking back, I wished I quit right after Fall. Could have saved me a couple more thousand in debt T_T

Anyways, like my dad said: "In life, it doesn't matter how soon you'll get there. It is about how long you can stay there."

So true.


2. Left Koinonia.

Won't elaborate much on it except the fact that not all things meant for good are good for you. I'm glad it helped many others find a better and happier life and good wishes to them. But leaving all those verbal abuse (which I didn't know was abuse until I left and could see clearly for once) was the best thing ever.

Found DCF and DCA instead where the environment is like what I grew up with all my life. Unconditional love and very family based :)


3. Moved to Davis.

Made the decision to keep the lease in Davis and moved there together with my sister despite not being in school for the moment. A very good decision made after much prayers and it only gets better and better each passing day. Got a steady job there that gave me a taste of living independently and able to help provide for my family back in San Diego too.

The year off from school also meant that I have time to play Martha Stewart and decorate our house as prettily as possible and get to fully enjoy it, unlike my other housemates who are always too busy writing papers to do anything else.

Our place is currently the envy of all our peers and I like it hurhur. Just because we are college students doesn't mean we have to live like one. I have the time and money and by jove, I will make good use of it before I have to resume school.


4. Bought a Kindle.

Because materialistic decisions can sometime turn out to be one of the best too. The world's libraries at my fingertips. So convenient and totally re-kindled (ohhh, no wonder its called kindle. I see it now....) my passion for reading.


5. Bought a PS3.

Something I've been putting off since forever because I never had time for games when I was in school as the effort put into getting straight A's always left me wishing for more time.

But I don't have school now do I! :DDDD

And dang, it really only does everything. Games is only like the tip of the iceberg. How the heck did I manage to live without one for so long I have no idea.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And there you have it. The ones that I can list off the top of my head. The decisions that were also blessings in disguises and if I were to make a list of blessings, it would take forever. The most important thing I learned was to always trust in God. Yes, yes, I supposedly learned this a few years back but and I probably did but not to this extent. Apparently I had to sink to rock bottom and lose everything to see it or something like that.

But seriously, if you would just let Him take the reigns, especially in your darkest moment where it seemed like He abandoned you which He never did btw, I highly doubt you would regret it. You might not see what good it does you in the beginning but as time goes by, you would see the wisdom in all the transpired events and go 'ahhhh, twas good I listened and obeyed'. I know because that is my life story. I lived it out.

So here's to 2012. A future I cannot predict and have since stop predicting and mapping out coz life can really change without a moment's notice. But what I know is that God is never changing and forever the same and I may not know what the future holds but know that as long as I entrust my future to Him, it will never go wrong :)

Another Perspective

I was angry.

Have been angry for a long time lately.

Angry at God for always shutting doors after doors and even after opening new ones, shuts them again a while later. Like a sick game of carrot dangling off a stick that never ends.

And so I question why life becomes much more perilous and filled with more obstacles than before after drawing closer to Him. I've sacrificed so much, worked so hard, studied so hard within these three years compared to the previous 18 years of my life and all I seem to get in return is yet more frustrations.

At times like this, I question why. I could have an easy life. I could have been like my friends where their latest worries is if that guy/girl likes them, the next travel destination, the next new phone they are gonna get etc. I would have been spending weekends eating out and watching the latest movies instead of having to find excuses to reject offers due to financial reasons. I could've been living that perfectly mapped out cookie cutter life my family had planned for me since kindergarten.

But no. You had other plans. And so far I've been pretty okay with it. Fine, take my gold and silvers away. Take my dream social life away too. If I am to be the cinderella after the clock strikes 12 where her fanciful dreams and riches dissipates into thin air then so be it. I'd just do my best and trust in You.

But its hard to keep the faith when I already did my very best and yet still have all my dreams and hopes crumble before me again and again by unforeseen circumstances I can't control. Its hard to want to trust when education, the only thing I have left to connect with peers, is also slipping from my grasp. I did my best. I got excellent results in return. I even won full scholarships. Everything was set. Is set.

So why?

Why spring something random like that on me? Why make me go through so many things, making me think that all those would work, give me that hope that its going to be okay if I do those, then take everything away again? Its not Your fault of course nor Your doing. But couldn't You have just smooth that bump in the road for me? Is that too much to ask for?

What do You want from me? I wish I knew.

I thought I knew.

Apparently, I thought wrong.

I follow, follow, follow but the roads only got tougher and tougher.

Now I'm lost.

And I seriously don't feel like following anymore. I feel like giving up. Others who chose the world seemed to be having a much better and easier time than me who chose this. Yes, I know its not me who choose but Your grace to accept me and I know. I was made to follow You. I know all these. All the right answers. No, not simply the right answers but the truth.

But just because its the truth doesn't make the situation easier to swallow. And right now I don't feel like I want the truth. I feel like being rebellious and running far away from You. I want to scream, yell and reject everything but I can't. Because darn it all its the truth and I cannot deny You even if my life depended on it.

This truth thing. ha.

Sometimes I wished I'd taken the blue pill instead. Sometimes.

So I angrily asked my daddy why. Why the more perilous the road seems the closer you draw to Him. Why why why.

"It's not because the road got any tougher now you're closer. Its just because now that you're closer to Him, your life is mostly centered around Him, so it seems like anything wrong must be due to Him. Others would have simply blamed it on anyone and anything around them instead."

Fair enough. But still, why so tough. Does it need to be so tough?! Must the path be riddled with just so many obstacles, despair and impossibilities? Why all these. Why why why.

"So miracles can happen."

........

And you know whats so frustrating about all that? he is right. Because at the end of the day, miracles do happen. Because when I least expect it, He steps in and blows me away with something amazing. Because just when I'm about to be swallowed forever by despair and hopelessness, He gives me something special that lets me know that He still remembers and cares. And through all these, I am reminded that He is indeed real and does loves me.

And its probably the reason why I have still not given up. Why I can't ever run far away from Him. I tried oh I've tried and contemplated letting go forever many many times. But still I find myself following Him even though I am so angry at times and want to do the exact opposite. Because you can't ever run from the truth. And although the path of truth is not, the truth itself is lovely. Have you ever experienced a miracle? Its really something quite amazing. Awe, disbelief, thankfulness, overwhelming love, renewed hope, joy, peacefulness, a sense of connection and something indescribable.

I am no longer angry.

But my future for this fall is still looking very bleak. If things don't change, I have to drop out of university. And I have no idea what to do next. Though the resentment is currently gone, the feelings of fear and frustration is still there.

And so I pray and hope for a miracle instead.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

This was the Bible verse written on my framed farewell photo given to me by my university's Christian fellowship group. It's amazing how this one single Bible verse managed to pointedly answer all questions and doubts that has been plaguing me lately. Every single one of them. Not only that but it also speaks to my many fears and worries caused by the many hardships that never seem to end. What's even more amazing is that I never shared any of my questions/worries/fear/doubts to any of my church leaders nor peers nor anyone at all really but yet somehow they knew to pick that verse out of the thousand of verses in the Bible.

Which means my cries didn't go unheard. He knows. And now its my turn to respond.

I am not you...

So, after writing my previous post I went to have a chat with the pastor's wife yesterday.

I got tons of things off my chest and got a few insights. Not all to which I agree to but some I find true.

So the issue with me is I am work-oriented and weak in the people relations area which I admit is very true unless you're my superior in work or a really good friend I can click with then yes I have no problem spending time with you but if you're full of problems then yeah.....

Which is what the church is.

I realized that most come from broken families including the leaders and thus I think they don't really have a grasp on what family love really is or how we act. To say that I am unhealthy being close to my family so much and I should be out making lots of strong friendships with girls is not something I really agree on. It was my family that kept me from going astray. Same like their friendship with other girls kept them from going astray. Different people, different lives, different methods.

My family is like my closest friends. I turn to them for support and guidance and they are quick to reprimand me if I am wrong which looks like I don't listen at times but I do inside and I do try to change. Plus, families are the one with unending love for you and people you know you can truly trust. At least, for my case.

When I hang out with other girls and try to learn to rely on them like they do each other, I only end up more lost. Sometimes it feels they are subtly leading me astray. Not in the lets go party sense but like I find myself depressed or stuff because they are depressed. I am a feeler so I am easily affected by emotions around me if I get to close to it.

Thus, I need distance and alone time every now and then to clear my head.

But their problem is they cannot be alone or they will go further astray and so they think I am the same and call me almost EVERY SINGLE DAY ALMOST EVERY HOUR DIFFERENT PEOPLE EACH TIME as if they are worried I will be off cutting myself, partying it up or idk what else they can think of the moment I am left alone. Just because I sounded a tad sad during our last meeting. What they fail to realize and understand, no matter how many times I try getting it through their skulls, is that I can feel sad or angry then and let it alllll out that moment so I can go off being happy after I find a solution during my alone time where I will either pray, read the Bible or talk to the family. I am pretty independent and do not go on feeling depressed for the entire week but at the rate they keep calling me, I WILL end up feeling depressed -___-

So anyways, the pastor's wife made a point that if I desire to go into ministry, I have to minister to women and not brothers which is just wrong and I agree cuz sex and money are the two things that causes scandals and thus it means I have to try and understand and interact with all sorts of female kinds now to help me better understand and reach out to people. Yah, after hearing this I am starting to have 2nd guesses of being in ministry if it means having to immerse myself in such drama 24/7. BUT I digress. The Bible did say that it is the sick who needs treatment after all so she isn't that far off the mark of me having to bring myself down to try to understand others and be Greek to Greeks even if you are Jew like what Peter said. Or was it Paul. She quoted so many scriptures I kind of lost track hmm...

And she said I have to stop running away from problems like I did in high school where I never hanged out with girls cept the bff cuz I hated the slander, gossip, drama and crazy cattiness that goes on in girl world. I myself wouldn't call it running away. I'd call it distancing myself from the bad but I cannot say this lah later she thinks I'm self righteous or something.

So running away or keeping away from danger?

Which is it?

I cannot tell.

Am I running away and not facing my inability of trying to understand others or am I being smart by avoiding myself from trouble so I won't fall the way they do which is like now where I feel depressed for no reason at all just because they are depressed.

I see both sides. I understand her point of me having to come off my comfortable pedestal if I were to go into ministry in the future because 75% of the world have those struggles that I can't relate to but are real. Or aren't fortunate enough to be in a loving family like mine. And I have to learn to love and understand and guide them according to the scriptures.

At the same time, I am easily affected by others emotions and cannot think straight for myself if I stay with these sort of people.

SO.

I have suddenly come to a conclusion as I am writing this.

I think the best approach is to read the Bible more and seek Him more earnestly so I won't be easily swayed by others feelings so I can still hang out with them at the same time and teach myself how to love and improve my people relating skills.

Sounds good to me.

Also, I realized that there are more ministries than just women ministry (I still think this is a nightmare sorry) such as children ministry or mission fields and I can tell you right now that I am more willing to give up all my pretty gadgets and live in some kampung or jungle for years if I have to cuz even though I don't have the comforts of life, hey at least everyone is the same. Can concentrate better. Unlike if you go into the ministry my church is into right now where you are constantly stuck in their world so you feel the pull of the material world every now and then but you really don't care much for it but they keeeep talking about it cuz its their struggles and then you start to slowly go crazy lols. Well, me at least.

But hey you never know. 10 years from now when I go back to read this post, I myself might be spearheading a sister ministry or something. God works in funny mysterious ways after all. But for now, not in my plans whatsoever at all.

I am not planning to go down this path of their though. I don't think I can ever minister as well as them to broken families because I don't come from one like they all do and no matter how I try, I don't think I can go to that level.

I wonder if I am in the wrong church at times. Hmm. Must pray more about this issue.

Anyways, need to tell them to stop calling me like today where my pastor's wife sneakily called all the girls I mentioned that I can somewhat click with and have them each just randomly call me to ask me to hang out. I wouldn't have thought so if they didn't call me like successively in turn. Subtlety. Obviously they are not getting it hahahaha.

Don't get me wrong. This church has the nicest, kindest people you can ever hope to meet. They paid for all my meals and willingly take me from places to places without complain.Their sincerity and love for God and His people are very real as you can observe for yourself and hear from their testimonies. The only problem is that while I appreciate those efforts sincerely, it is not what I need. I need strength and not someone who view me from their cookie cutter mold and thus misinterpret all the signals I give off. When I tell people about my financial issues, I don't want sympathy. Yes, it hurt. Yes I was bitter back then. But guess what, I am over it. I am happy with my life right now and I tell you so only so you understand me when I turn down your offers to go out because I cannot afford it. I am not ashamed of my status. I once had everything and I am happy. Its a different life now and I accept it. But can you accept it? Stop thinking that it must be hard for me right now. Yeah its tough but God came through for me each time. Why won't you see that part instead? And learn to rejoice with me?

I know my problems and struggles. I think its time they realized theirs and stop viewing me from the materialistic viewpoint. The material world no longer holds the same spell it used to have over me so giving me solutions pertaining to the material viewpoint is useless.

You know what, after writing this, I think what I'm gonna do is go check out a few other fellowship groups after midterms next week. That and resuming my daily devotions earnestly.

Girls Think Too Much

So I just came back from a 3 day church retreat and was feeling more miserable than anything. Actually, I have been feeling extremely crummy lately and after HOURS OF TIME-WASTING THINKING last night, causing me insomnia and a pounding migraine this morning, I suddenly realized the source of all my late woes:

Sisterly Bonding.

No, not the blood sister kind -I love my 3 lil sisters to itty bitty pieces and they are so bitingly rational and real its love- but the one where you get together with a group of girls and talk and share about your abstract feelings and thoughts.

The horror.

See my church has this supposedly awesome idea that all girls should bond because same-sex friendships are the strongest and best whatsoever, completely disregarding the fact of tomboys like me who absolutely cannot stand for drama and tears and whatever girl talks out there. Unless its makeup brands or the best crunchy cookie recipe in the world ever.

And so I was thrust into the world of girl-to-girl talks and whatever and suddenly I become this sniffling emotional wreck who think herself inadequate in many ways.

WHAT IS THIS.

I am self-capable (ok with God's help and blessings of course) and smart and strong and logical and rational and the list goes on and I WILL EMBRACE THAT. Why must I cry? Why must I think that there has to always be something wrong with me? Or that maybe I might be offending someone out there who I have no idea even exist but should they exist, I must be careful that I don't offend them by prevention and all these crazy notions.

Not to say I am totally self-sufficient and above everyone else and yes I do need help every now and then and encouragement and comfort but not at this rate where like every time I meet up with them, there is something I must confess that I have done wrong but never what I did right. Or that maybe I am subconsciously making others fall because I watch anime which is related to hentai in her weird world (Hentai is hentai, anime is anime la hor!!!!) or I am trying to get guys to sin because I dress nice. Not slutty mind you. Decently nice. Sorry if you think I look good still covered up from head to toe -rolls eyes-

All this so I can draw nearer to God.

Funny now that I reflect back cuz if anything, I felt further and further away from Him lately instead.

I remember being happy and loved and assured in my faith. Then after meeting with them constantly I felt drained both emotionally and physically. I felt like nothing I did could ever amount to anything. I felt like I must do a million and one things in order to get closer to Him.

I became insanely depressed.

Then the last few days at the retreat, I sat with guys during meal times and thinking back, those were some of the bright spots in the retreat (besides the awesome messages) because I remember not having to put up any kind of front. Of being able to just be myself, exchanging crazy stories and debating talking about non-emotional things like politics or career goals and whatever new fangled gadgets and ideas that had just hit the market.

So I wondered why I stopped hanging out with guys because in the past, all my friends were guys, and realized that it was because of the church motto, habits whatever that makes you feel like you are intentionally hitting on them if you were to hang out with them more. Also, they don't seem to believe in platonic friendship between both genders. idk but I swear I don't feel like dating them at all but just want to share their hilarious jokes.

See, I like laughters over tears.

If you fail, cry for a while then pray, smile and get going. This was why I was always able to succeed in everything I do.

Not spend hours crying about how horrible we are.

The sisters are great and nice people but omg I cannot go on like this anymore or I will end up atheist or something. Ok just kidding about the atheist part but I will end up in mental clinics for sure. Maybe it helps them but it doesn't help me the slightest.

So I am going to see my pastor tomorrow and demand out. Would probably end up hurting all of those sisters if they knew but omg cannot. I will suffer forever instead if I remain silent. Thankfully there are a few sisters who are like me and very rational and off-handish but still very kind and strong and I loves them and want so desperately to hang with them and have them as my leaders because they look like someone who would scold me outright if I make a mistake instead of tiu-ing at me but just my luck I go dress super girly they thought I was the ultimate girl and pair me with super sensitive and emotional female leaders and so now I'm like this split-personality non-functional person.

Also, girls think way too much. I notice that when you start thinking too much, the whole world would look bleak and meaningless (which is but doesn't mean you can't make the best out of it) and then you feel crappier and do crappier things and feel crappier-er so you think more on how to fix it and it end up at square one only 10 times crappier and its like this spiral downwards to crappiness.

Therefore, think just enough then do do do. Don't ponder this and that aspects ah. If guys tell you you are thinking way too much, you probably are and should stop because they hardly think at all and if you assume all your weird far-fetched imaginations of what he is thinking as real, you will destroy both him and you. Confirm one.

Gah. Going tomorrow. No more of this 24/7 crying emotional mess nonsense. I'm getting my life back together with along with happiness.

Sisters are Golden

So I decided to skip out on the retreat at the very last minute.

The night before it I was contemplating between going and staying back before I woke up at 7am, made the decision to stay back, called my friend to tell her I'm not going before putting my phone on silent mode and throwing it under my bed.

10 missed calls.

Another call the next day asking me if I changed my mind and wanted to join the later group going up.

And this is where I start to feel suffocated. And all sorts of wrong.

Having fun shouldn't feel like a death sentence and a social life shouldn't feel stressed and a christian fellowship shouldn't make you feel guilty for not joining every single one of their events.

I was glad I stayed.

For this weekend was the first weekend where I could eat alone with my sister at the dining commons and actually just eating brunch there for the first time for all my weekends were always taken up by various church/fellowship activities and outings.

This was also the first weekend where I could just unwind and sit down at the library to study leisurely because ever since I came up here my weeks were filled with a never ending blur of activities where when I'm not cramming to reach deadlines, the rest of my time would be filled with a bunch of social outings and there just isn't any really quiet alone time where my agenda is just a glorious blank.

But most of all, this was the first weekend in a long long time this quarter where I could truly spend some quality bonding time with my sister who also made the decision to forgo the retreat cuz she was sick.

I had so much fun just catching up with her life, reminiscing about the good old days, talking about our parents and family back home, reminding each other to start saying no again without feeling guilty no matter who the person is, and just laughing about stupid internet videos and quoting ridiculous lines from each to the other before killing ourselves with laughter all over again etc.

Last night was also a night full of fun in itself where we got trapped in the library doorways because it was closing but was also raining heavily outside and both of us stupidly left our umbrellas in our luggage we packed the night before for the retreat. Thankfully, my roommate's boyfriend came up to visit her for the weekend and could pick us up with his car though we still had to dash 4 blocks in the rain to where he parked and ended up soaking wet.

Only to come home to a blackout where we realize how helpless we were without electricity for the DC is closed, we couldn't continue studying, we cannot use our laptops to entertain us in the meantime and nor could we boil hot soup or pasta which was the only food we had :C

At this point we started to question if this was punishment for skipping out on the retreat :\

Nah.

Anyways, we did have crackers and a can of tuna but no can opener and thus spent an hour prying the lid open with a nail, spoon and a pair of scissors; joking all the while that if we were a cartoon now right after we get it open the electricity would happily come back on to spite us but neither of us believing that it will happen.

But it did.

A few minutes after we got it open and were proudly eating our tuna crackers with glee, the electricity came back on so we could boil the clam chowder after all, which btw came in a tabbed can. thank goodness.

Nevermind, the tuna story will be an awesome tale to tell our kids in the future in the event of a blackout.

Spent the whole night later writing essays and giggling over old schoolmates' blogs.

Later this week, if someone were to gush at me on how fun the retreat was and how I totally missed out and oh so how was my weekend?

One word: awesome.

I regret nothing. One of the best times of my life this quarter.

I love my sister ♥

Staying Strong

Today I finally received news from the legal analyst.

Both me and my sister were rejected as California residents for tuition purposes.

My faith is breaking and truth be told, its getting harder and harder for me to smile and pretend that everything is okay and God is gracious and all that jazz. I won't deny His existence nor His grace because I have seen and experience enough to know He is real.

But then there comes the trying times like this and many others before this where you think its a dead end but then something good happens and you think 'God opens another door for every shut door' but it isn't long before you find that newly opened door slowly slamming shut in your face again and after a series of repetitions where you feel like you're being toyed around you start wondering if your faith was just something you made up to comfort yourself and did God really listened to your prayers and did He even care?

Have I been doing something wrong? Did I miss His voice? Am I even on the right path or is this entire life I'm living now just a fabrication of lies.

And just when I'm at the very end of my hope and am all cried out of tears, I numbly opened the Bible to today's daily devotion passage while at the same time sardonically thinking just what possible comfort could come from the book of Revelation but staring back at me were these words:

"Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life." -Revelation 2:10

Totally unexpected but everything my broken faithed hopeless self needed to hear right now.

I don't know how much more sufferings I can take but if God knows about it, I guess its alright. More bearable maybe. He knows what He is doing after all.

And till then, I guess I just have to keep the faith and trust in Him.

So Blessed

Today, me and my family spent the day up at Thousand Oaks visiting a family friend who is also a theological student like my dad at Fuller and was one of the many people who helped get us settled in when we first arrived.

Thousand Oaks is like a really lovely area and the house was simply gorgeous. It was a gift from his brother and I cannot help but admire at how truly blessed God's people really are. There are many stories of these people of God getting to live in simply beautiful houses where others have to work years and might still never be able to attain it but thanks to the generosity of others and God's blessing, these people get it just like that.

And then I got to thinking about my life.

Lying by the poolside where the sun was just right, the soft splashes of the pool making a peaceful accompaniment to the current atmosphere, it was one of the most peaceful moment I had in a quite a while. It reminded me of my 'old' life where the weekends were spent at country clubs and the holidays lying at beaches around parts of the world in a similar fashion. And I started to feel wistful all over again, those old memories starting to make me slightly depressed and longing for the same luxuries I used to be able to enjoy. Wondering just why we were chosen to take this current path instead. Why the rest of the other church leader kids didn't have to walk the same path I am walking now. So many questions, so little answers.

Moments later, I was jolted out of my thoughts with a call asking me to return to the house and there before us was piping hot pizzas and ice-cold smoothies prepared by the hosts. That was totally unexpected since we were already served a scrumptious lunch only a few hours ago. To others this might just be a simple ordinary event one wouldn't bother to ponder upon but I did. Suddenly, the slight feeling of bitterness was washed away, leaving behind only feelings of quiet happiness and contentment.

It's true. I no longer have the same 'means' to make my own luxuries anymore but it doesn't mean that I no longer get to enjoy them anymore. I still do. Only this time is through the means of others' kind generosity instead. Am I complaining? No. Not really. With this path, I have less freedom, yes. But I found other things instead like thankfulness, trust, faith and and tons of other qualities in its raw true form that I never really completely experience in my previous life.

I am still trying to get used to this whole new life really. From being a daughter of a successful businessman to the daughter of a future pastor. The change is really huge and every day I find myself struggling with new trials from the material to the emotional to the spiritual. There are new expectations of me from others that I must live up to and I don't know if I can. Don't know how much I can give up. Don't know what I must really do. Don't know what exactly the future holds anymore.

But so far, every time when it feels way too much and I'm about to break, He manages to come through for me with untold and unforeseen answers and blessings.

The pain of giving up the old life is no longer as unbearable as it once was a year ago and in its place springs instead an awakening hope and eagerness to see what more hidden blessings does this new life holds.

I'm still taking things slowly. One baby step at a time. But moving forward I am :)

Answered Prayers

After 2 years of praying to get a job, I finally got one :) As most of you know, my family does not have any income atm and so I really wanted to get a part-time job to help pay for certain bills even if I'm not required to or just be able to take my parents out for dinner and movies and the likes.

Over the last two years, I had applied for many different jobs, went around store to store on my street asking if they were hiring, filled many online application forms, asked friends for references, praying endlessly but all to no avail. Some promised to call but never did, some told me flat out they weren't hiring or I didn't have enough experience, some forms were tricky which required me to fill in information I just don't have since I used to live in Malaysia and the list goes on.

I was frustrated, bitter, sour, angry.

Finding jobs was never this hard for me. Back in Malaysia, all I had to do was ask around in church and I'll have a number to choose from. Here, I had no one. Daddy always told me that when the time is right, God will give me the job I need and I just have to trust Him and in the meantime, just keep on praying. Which I did but after endless rejections, I kind of lost faith in those words and my prayers started taking on a hollow quality.

But back to this new job of mine....

The special thing about this job is not because I finally got one, but the path which brought me to it. It all started since last spring where I took both Biology and English (among others) and one of my classmates was coincidentally in both of my classes. Since he sat behind me in English, we sort of became friends, although we never interacted in Biology due to the vast classroom and different lab groups. Near the end of the semester, I needed a ride for a Bio field trip and for some reason, my group mates couldn't accommodate me and right at the last moment, I spotted him walking out the door, gave chase and managed to secure a ride. Which was where I met this female group mate of his who told me that her workplace was hiring and would love someone bilingual.

I was ecstatic.

But right after she promised to get me the application form, the store decided to run out of one so I had to resort to online means which to my dismay, simply couldn't be found. Since it was the end of the semester, we never saw each other again and I finally let go and gave up.

Life went on as usual. Applying continuously and getting rejected time after time. I was extremely fed up.

Then one day, we randomly found Radio Shack, which has another main story altogether of divine intervention to it saved for another day, and hung on their glass doors was the sign 'we are currently hiring'. After I was done asking the nice guy working there for details and was ready to leave, he suddenly paused, turned back to me and told me one very important tip which no one ever thought to mention to me at all: 'CALL THEM. After you've sent in the forms, call them. Keep on calling them until you get an interview and after you get one, call them again to ask how its going. That was how I got the job. I kept calling till they asked me to come in for an interview :)'

I actually never applied to that store in the end but that comment made a world of difference for me. So simple a tip till everyone chose to omit it but extremely vital to someone looking to actually snag a job.

This was already December of last year, a far cry from Spring since but suddenly the store mentioned by that girl classmate then sprang back into my mind and I thought why not give it another shot? So I went down to Victoria's Secret, got a form, filled it out and handed it to wonders of wonders, the very same classmate of mine who happened to be on shift that very hour.

A week passed and I took Radio Shack guy's tip to heart and called the store manager, who told me she never received my form and doesn't know of any staff by my classmate name -____- Ok that is a damper and I will find out if she really does exist the next time I go to work. Would be mad creepy if she doesn't. Exist I mean.

But anyway, the manager told me to come down and personally fill one out again and hand it directly to her which was good because face to face makes a more lasting impression imo :) A week after that, I called again and a few more times actually until my name is firmly etched into her memory (lol) and I'm called in for an interview. Was about to call her again days after the interview but she called me first to tell me I got it :D

Needless to say, I WAS MAD HAPPY!

Even happier again when I found out I was given another better job position than what I applied for too!

But what surprised and touched me was finding out that both my managers are devout Christians. One who was a pastor before too. Suddenly, I realized that I am in good hands and He was looking out for me all along. And so I paused and took some time to reflect back and realized that He was always there and had indeed heard my every prayer but I couldn't hear His answers through the thick fog of frustration clouding me. Or even if I did, I didn't like it. Never mind if its for my own good and I secretly knew it.

Truth to be told, I couldn't have handled a job if I had gotten it last Spring since I was taking 17 units and had no spare time at all. Summer was a bad time too as my dad was undergoing surgery and Fall was crucial to me as it was the season for university applications (I'm a transfer student) and me getting straight A's that season was extremely vital (I took Physics which was hellish for me trying to understand it). Plus I had applied to take the JLPT (which I passed btw yay!) and that alone was stressful enough as I had taken a level more advance to what I was currently learning. I think a job would have killed me at that point. The year before that? I had just gotten here and was too busy trying to learn my ways around LA.

So yes, this time was the right time as its sort of my 'honeymoon' period before I transfer out to a more grueling academic institution. When I applied for this job and called the manager, I subtly felt that this was the right moment. However, I still had doubts then after googling the store and found some disparaging comments made by past employees of its other chain stores and had actually applied for another job closer to home but was later turned down by the store manager lol and so I re-focused all my energies back to Victoria's Secret. And after finding out about my managers, I think I can safely say this was the right choice.

Many would say its all coincidences and I'm just trying to thread a string through unrelated events to make them seem related but I know better. It really isn't. I sincerely believe everything goes according to His plan and timing as long as we don't deviate from it. It doesn't mean I am very patient all the time (goodness knows how rebellious and stubborn I can be) even after knowing this already and I wonder why He even bother with me still cuz I would have abandoned me a long long loooong time ago but at the end of the day, its enough for me to know that He still cares and this hope is what keeps me going again in the right direction, like a faith fuel of sorts. And this is the reason for this post. To serve as a reminder of His faithfulness during my future moments of utter bleakness and despair so I will never forget His goodness. To remind myself that I just have to be more patient and leave things into His hands as I am not the expertise here.

So thank you Jesus for answering my prayers and giving me this job ♥

Thanksgiving '09

I can't believe its already been almost two years since my return to the States. Yesterday marked the second thanksgiving of mine and my family in CA. Thanksgiving Day in the US is traditionally a harvest festival celebrated to give thanks for the harvest and to express gratitude to God in general. However, for many Christians, the harvest festival is now commonly used to replace Halloween Day and so today, Thanksgiving Day has mainly become a day to simply reflect on our lives and give thanks for the year :)

One thing I learned is that turkeys here are mad CHEAP! Only $3.99!!!! My dream one day is to buy this HUGE turkey ala Mr. Bean Christmas episode and I don't care that my family are calling me crazy (I just have to invite TONS of people then!) one day I will have that gigantic turkey where you can stuff your whole head into it just you wait and see.... *determined

Anyway, lovely Thanksgiving dinner prepared by my mom alone. She loves cooking and thus dislikes it when we offer to help hmph so me not helping is totally justified :P Wait! I baked the cornbread muffins in the upper left corner! Yeah so what if its premixed why waste time making from scratch when it tastes the same and takes waaaay less time? Love America for coming up with all these products to make life easier ♥ In the future all I have to do is bake the turkey! All other stuff can be easily bought from stores :D

Before the dinner prayer, daddy made each of us say one thing we're thankful for the year and I cannot help but be thankful for so many things. I'm honestly very thankful to God for being able to have this lovely dinner still and other stuff over the year even if we've been living on no income ever since we came here. So I may not have extra privileges like eating out all the time or catching every latest movie but when I truly think about it, I have never been in want even till now. Whatever I wanted I could still afford to buy. I used to think I would have a miserable life honestly but I can now see how wrong I am. So what if I had more money in Malaysia? There weren't many things I could buy even if I wanted to spend whereas here? So many things at much better quality and at a cheaper cost :)

I'm also thankful for all the nice professors and university advisers I 'accidentally' stumbled upon this entire year. I truly believe that every single encounter was specially arranged by Him for me. Whatever I lack in resources or networks or whatever it is others have and I don't, He makes it up in other ways...no...actually He even gives extras. If I didn't have nothing, I would have never gotten all these special privileges at all as everything required me to have less in order to get more. Its not only me, even my sisters are not excluded from His abundant blessings. All expenses paid travels to other states, gift cards and presents for our first Christmas here etc.

I'm thankful for all the trips I had this year too. San Francisco, Malibu, Las Vegas, Arizona etc. Yeah guess who was grumbling inside when she kept seeing her friends facebook albums chocked full with pictures of Australia, Bangkok (and I've even been there before -_-) and other Malaysian states... It wasn't until a friend literally went 'WHAT do you mean there's nothing interesting where you live, you're in freaking LOS ANGELES for crying out loud!' did I snap out of my stupid stupor. Ya sometimes I wish I can go back in time and slap my past self for being utterly stupid and ridiculous at times ugh. I am probably one of the most ungrateful person ever.

But I am super thankful now :D

Also, I used to worry daily about our financial circumstances but now I've learned to slowly let go and to always rely on and trust completely in God. I've seen and experience enough these two years to know that its indeed the best way. He never fails you :)

Lastly, I'm incredibly thankful for having an extra two years to spend with my family before I transfer to a 4 year university next fall for my last two years of undergraduate education. To think I felt miserable and defeated that I couldn't get into a proper or famous uni or live on my own then like all my friends in other parts of the world when its actually the best thing that could have ever happened to me. While they were later pining for their family and home, I had mine right here with me every single day. Plus I'll get to thoroughly experience college life for the next two years anyway and probably four more of graduate school till I'm sick of the 'college life' lol.

So to sum it all up, I am incredibly thankful to God for this very blessed year and here's to many more blessed years to come ♥

But what if it were the other way round...

It's 4am now but I can't seem to go back to sleep.

So here I am writing down my jumbled pieces of thoughts. Something I never do because I care too much about opening up to others but I am too tired to care atm.

People always say that parents find it hard to let go of their children. Its like this general consensus among everyone. Every time when adults ask me where I plan to transfer to and I say Berkeley, they would immediately go 'trying to get as far away from the parents as possible eh? They'll never really let go won't they?' while smiling knowingly at me.

And unbeknown to them, I would feel a pang of sadness just ripping right through me then as I realized the implication of the statement, the distance, and its all I could do to not cry.

Because getting as far away from them as possible is the last thing on my mind. The truth is I find it hard to let go myself. I honestly don't know what I would do without having my parents within my reach. To feel all happy and have no one to harp on and on to without abandon, to be down at times and have no willing shoulder to cry on to or spill my heart out to, no more pick me up hugs, spontaneous prayers when I am having difficulty with my studies or life in general, nightly talks, thoughtful surprises, stupid jokes, meaningful encouragements, biblical talks and the list is just endless.

Its way different from friends.

Today is already November. The month for uni applications. And together with the anticipation comes the equal dread of reality.

When I first came here, my goal was to get into UCLA. I didn't even have a major then. After 2 years of emptiness and frustrations, I finally found it not long after that one night of tearful prayer. It was sudden and honestly the last thing on my mind cuz a year back I was scorning the very idea but then there was this inner peace when I made my decision. When I told daddy, he told me he felt the same immediately too.

Things slowly fell into place and one thing led to another and somehow I stumbled into a Berkeley counselor who enrolled me in their special transfer program together with a whirlwind of activities and I find myself considering this university instead. I was truly honestly very happy.

Till now.

Suddenly the tiny doubts and worries are creeping up everywhere and I find myself at loss once again. I no longer know if what I am doing is right. And when it comes right down to it, I don't want to leave. I don't care if its a mere 6 hours drive or 1 hour flight, the fact remains that I would only be able to see my family on Thanksgiving, Christmas and some other odd holidays thanks to daddy pointing it out to me in the car the other day. There is a reason why I'm always hanging around my family. Its not because my parents are keeping a tight leash on me which I'm desperate to break free from but simply because I enjoy their company so much. My sisters too. With them I can be myself. And if they do decide to return to Malaysia for good after the next year then what would I have left?

I know I'm being stupid. That everyone has to let go one day when one finally finds the other half and build a family. But that is precisely why I want to drag out this period of togetherness for as long as I can where I am just solely their ridiculous 19 year old and not a wife or mother of someone too because then the feeling would be very different. I would no longer be able to hop in between them under the blankets to ramble about my day, fail over my fav. idols with them, pester them to take me to places while sneakily try to see if I can get away with them paying for some of my frivolous purchases which always end up into those 'hmmph I think I spend too much on you Hannah I wonder if you would give me money when I grow old hmmmph' grumbles and other downright silly but strikes of nothing but warmth and familiarity doings.

And so here I am stuck in this complicated confused mess.

In the end, I know I'd probably leave if I get accepted. And even if I don't go, they might leave for someplace else anyway. Its really coming to an end isn't it? Only a year left. Its funny how when I was 15 I used to dream of this day, the day where I can finally be 'free', only to have this day come all too soon and wishing it never have to...

Sunday Secrets

Because we all have secrets and this is mine:

For 18 years, I hated myself. I hated how I looked. How I was the only dark one among family members and peers. Everywhere I looked, be it magazines, tv or blogs, being pretty meant having fair skin. I felt frustrated every time I went shopping because all models advertising their products were fair skinned and I felt like I could never look as good as them. Makeup was depressing because every salesperson didn't know how to work with darker skin tones and all the guidebooks they gave me were filled with yet more pale Asian models. So over the years, I started spending tons of money buying whitening products and hid from the sun whenever possible; but nothing ever worked. I was still as tan as ever.

I felt hopeless and depressed.

Then along came Hyori and suddenly I realized that darker skin tones could be pretty too. In fact, after further experimentations, I discover that most products actually looked better on darker skin tones compared to light. Slowly but surely, I started learning to love myself for who I am and realized that you are what you make yourself to be.

I know I still rant about how I wished I was born fairer every now and then but deep down inside....

....I secretly love being tan ♥

Change of mind

For years, ever since I was 10, I held on to a fanciful dream of being someone important one day, the one at the top of the career pyramid. Attending various meetings and owning a planner book filled with pages of appointments. A summer home in Hawaii and silver convertibles. Constantly surrounded by top people who made it, it was natural to want the same.

But then as I grew older, I realized that what I wanted wasn't really spiffy suits with perfect hair tied in a neat knot, boarding endless planes to travel across continents for meetings. Not the burden of a corporation's financial survival on my shoulders nor the risk of having a boss who'll stop at nothing in the name of profit, running the risk of me compromising on my morals or beliefs. I've also come to realize that working one's life away to climb to the top of the corporate ladder doesn't equate to a successful life. That a mansion in Beverly Hills or a summer home in Hawaii is useless if one is too busy to ever enjoy it. The thought of possibly being so caught up in the work whirlwind of the corporate world, too fast for one to ever pause and just smell the flowers' fragrances and feel the salty ocean breeze against one's skin feels frightening. So I took a second look at those people's lives who I've always admire and saw for the first time, the hidden bleakness that accompanies the glamor and success. The sacrifices one must pay in return for the luxuries.

It was then I realized that what I truly wanted was a fairly simple life. A career with little stress and a certain degree of enjoyment. Financially sufficient enough so that I'll never be in need and flexible enough for me to sneak an afternoon of relaxation at the beach every now and then. A modest house with a white picket fence with a happy family complete with a cute little corgi called konkon. And if I still get a summer home in Hawaii or silver convertibles, that'll be nice ♥

But at the same time, I was afraid. Afraid that I might be losing the ability to dream, the gift of imagination. That I've become one of the many who gave up their dreams due to the stress and pressure of society instead of a change in perspective on life. Is it wrong to desire a simple life? Is that called giving up? Yet, I've really come to dislike the idea of insane work pressure like that of an accountant. And so I shed countless tears and prayers trying to find my place in life. Exactly what should I major in. What could I possibly do in the future that could give me the slightest bit of comfort and happiness, that wouldn't make me cringe at the mere thought of it. But nothing seemed or felt right.

The worse thing was that everywhere I turn, I find that everyone has found their niche in life. Everyone except me.

And I thought I'll never find mine. ever.

Until recently, out of the blue, it hit me. Only, the ironic thing was that it was something I once thought of as tedious and how there was no way I'll be taking that path ever but the more I thought about it the more appealing it became to me. And I think I may have just found something I might like.

So guess what this once hopelessly confused girl desires to be now?

A dentist.

Sure, there is the intimidating prospect of medical school (never in my life have I once consider the medical field) and its long years but I think that this career lifestyle just might be something I'll enjoy from the looks of it. I used to dislike the idea of being a dentist immensely but I guess life changes, and along with it, your outlooks. I still refuse to be a medical doctor though because my fear of cutting someone up is still as overwhelming as ever. Also, I came to understand what a truly successful life is. Balance. Contentment. A godly life. Something daddy kept harping about since forever -but I never really got- every time I equate money and career achievement to the ultimate success of a person.

Am switching majors from accounting to biology.

Of course, nothing in life is ever definite and one never know what tomorrow holds but for the time being, I'm finally at peace :)

Amused

Guys here are awesome. In terms of manners at the very least.

Always holding open doors for you even when they are busy on the phone, some even opening it before standing aside, letting you past first when you're behind them or even making an effort to walk over and open it for you when you near it.


Always ready to lend you a helping hand or catch you when you fall.

Whoever says that Asian countries are more polite must have never been here. Contrary to what I always assume (that Americans are a selfish rowdy unruly bunch), they (Asians included if they are local born) are in fact one of the most polite people I've ever come across. Quick to apologize for even the tiniest thing such as passing you by when they are like nowhere near blocking your path. Always greeting you happily and wishing you a nice day. Generous on the word 'excuse me' instead of just barging past you like some elephant (oh trust me from where I grew up, people just squeeze past you in hopes of getting through without bumping into you which never works). Quick to offer you help when you need it.

I think a lot of people could learn from them really.

Just a tiny gesture or word can really go a long way and make the world a better place ♥

Sorry I Failed

Thinking back about the beach trip, I remember your excited face, repeatedly asking us to take you to the edge of the shore to play with the seawater just once. But the rest of the family just brushed you off, saying it's smelly, we have no time, its too far etc.

After a few hours, you looked back forlornly at the sea, then at me, pleading for permission -as you knew you needed adult supervision- to go there for a second and even begged me to take you there. But too engrossed with my own activities, I'd just brushed you off with a 'later' and even when you replied with a 'but when?', I just ignored you and continued with my own selfish pleasures.

And now I cannot get that image of your sad face at that very moment out of my mind. It haunts me every now and then. I realized I should have just taken your hand and walked you down to the sea alone, together, just the two of us. I should have paused and realize how much it might have meant to you because I know the feeling all too well. I was once young like you before too, wishing to achieve something but have not the power and means to do so. The times I needed someone older to help me in realizing my fanciful dreams and wishes. And I remember that they were there for me but I wasn't for you. And that revelation hurts. It hurts so badly.

For the first time in my life, I wish desperately that I can turn back time so I can fix that wrong. You are all happy now and most probably you've even forgotten all about that incident but I can't. I still can't stop thinking of the what ifs. The precious sisterly bonding time lost. The lovely memories I could have created for you like what others did for me. And for that I am truly sorry. For failing you as an older sister.

So from now on I promise myself that the next time you call out to me.......

I promise that I will always be there for you.

Plastic Smile

Lately I feel a lot like the song below:


"crack a smile
come up smile
flash a smile
plastic smile"

Have no idea what the whole song is actually about but I just feel very fakey-happy like the tune and my plastic smiles has been increasing at an alarming rate lately to people I don't like but seem to like me for reasons I cannot comprehend.


But why won't you get that I don't want to talk to you. I cannot stand your pace. Our cultures are just too far apart.


Just because you helped me once and I am friendly to you people does not give you the right to hug me. I stiffen and cringed inside before recovering to plaster a smile back on when the handshake turned into a hug from him.


Why do people here like hugging each other? I hate it. I barely know you. Everytime people start to greet me I unconsciously shrink a couple of inches away for fear they would pull me into a hug. I know people are starting to think I am cold but I cannot bear the thought of them touching me like I'm their closest friend.


This also reminds me of a guy at church too which I try to avoid at all cost every Sunday by running subtlety in the opposite direction everytime. Seriously he is weird la ok I wish he would stop staring at me at times it's unnerving *hysterical*


Just because I greeted him once out of politeness yet again he seem to think I want to be best friends or something. I swear if he ever lay an arm around me like he does to others I would scream.


Ok so I won't.


Because I am gutless and too polite just like that and would probably smile wobbly before crying myself to sleep at night and contemplating changing churches.


Then one Sunday I saw him approaching from the corner of my eye but soi soi I was currently stuck in a conversation with someone and cannot very well run away and so he just stood nearby staring at me waiting while I selfishly wish in my heart that the ground would open and swallow either one of us up. Preferably him.


Then just when I was about to escape my MOM -of all people!!!- *glares* betrayed me by going all 'he wants to greet you' loudly to me and I guess my look to her must have been extremely venomous at that time cause she was smiling cheekily back at me.


WHAT LA HOR she obviously saw my discomfort and the huge blinking neon sign 'Leave Me Alone' flashing madly on top of my head and yet she still do this to me?!?!?!?!?!?!


I looked down and squeezed my eyes shut. Wondering if maybe, just maybe I should let go. Just throw away all inhibitions. Just endure conversations that don't interest me. Agree with their impractical desires instead of immediately thinking up a gazillion life and money management plans for them in my head. Convert to their culture. Just let them hug me. Smile at them openly. All to people I don't like and will never like.


Why can't I???


But then that would mean slowing myself down drastically to suit their pace. Making myself available for all their plans or talks when I know so well that I can never click with them as once I don't click the first time I meet you, I probably never will. And letting them touch me which I cannot stand. And I realize that atm I just don't have the capacity in my heart to love somebody like that unconditionally without a hint of biasness just like that. Maybe one day America would change me and I'll become those freely uninhibited people, I don't know. But as for now.......


I opened my eyes, looked up and extended my hands towards him.


Plastic smile perfectly in place.

Love Cute Lil Baby Boys

Dear Blog,

Just now my neighbors had to go out and asked us to peek in on their sleeping son every few minutes. They have the cutest most adorable toddler ever. His name is Caleb and I foresee him as a super shuai guy in 14 years time. If not, also the most adorable guy. Like Massu can =)

The first time I checked on him I was met with an empty crib and was thrown into panic as I pat the bed around frantically for him only to discover him curled up in a tight little ball in the corner lol. So cute the scene *heart melts into a puddle onto the floor*

Halfway through the night he cried and my mom was frantic and called me to deal with him as he simply won't listen to her. But as soon as I stepped into the room and he saw me he immediately stop crying and started reaching out to me. SUPER HAPPY LOR =DDD I like him even more than before liao =)

Sitting in the dark room with him clinging tightly onto me as I rock him back to sleep, I felt so at peace. He is so cute ok. Like a little warm thing that fits so nicely in your arms. And as you feel his little heartbeat against your chest as he falls peacefully asleep on you, it gives you a such a protective feeling. He reminds me of Issac and Cameron back in Kuching. Both easily the cutest baby boys in the church. I miss them T__T

Haihz, I really want a baby boy leh. *prays hard hard that I will have cute baby boy in the future* But seeing as it's impossible at the moment, I shall settle for taking care of little Caleb for the time being. I don't mind babysitting him for free hor, he is so so so adorable can?

Omg I so love little kids*. I like how they trust you wholeheartedly to protect them. I like how they smile so cutely at you. I like how they fit so snugly in you arms. I like how they get this mischievous look in their eyes as they mess your things up. I like how they come running to you with arms outstretch when they see you. I like everything about them and how they can make me really really happy and I would totally give the world for them ok =)

All in all, I am feeling extra happy today =D

*only a specific few cause I am sibeh choosy =P

Rainy Days

Attended the Miss Tourism Preview yesterday night but shall blog about it later. I wish everyone was back in school instead. Why? Because my internet has become slower than an old man crossing a road and it's frustrating me no end. Can cry ok? Downloading has become virtually impossible since then!!!! Have no idea if it's my line or computer that has problem. Wish someone can tell me =(

Oh btw, HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY ABI!!!! *hugs*

It's raining now.... I LOVE RAINY DAYS =D Just discovered that recently. But only on 2 conditions which is

1. NO thunderstorms involved
2. I am at home

Yes, I dislike thunderstorms immensely. Am deathly afraid if it, especially those that occur in the night. Afternoon ones I still can pretty much handle it but the night ones are the worst. It's HORRIBLE!!! I never believed that one can be petrified by thunderstorms to the point of being completely unable to move till it happened to me. Always left with 2 options which is to crawl deep into my blankets and pray endlessly that it'll end or make a mad dash for 2nd sis room but I'm always stuck with option 1 cause I'm too freakin afraid to even lift the darn covers first. Much less run.

I don't even know why I'm afraid of it. Just am. I just hate the sound, hate the scary lightning, hate the dead dead silence that can be heard in the midst of all that raging thunder (it's there I assure you. The weird silence. It's noisy with the storm but there is the sudden dead silence in it ) hate the weird shadows that suddenly appear, hate the thought that a blackout might occur. Everything seems 100000 times creepier ki. I kid you not. Cannot seem to get rid of this phobia no matter how many thunderstorm nights I've tried =(

Love rainy days still though =) Provided I am in the comfort of my home. During rainy days, your surroundings become quieter and take on a tranquil and almost ethereal atmosphere. Everyone becomes more sensitive or moody which means no energy to shout which mean golden silence =D Drinking hot teal or milo now has never been better. Curling up snugly in bed is also 10 times more enjoyable. The temperature is cool. EVERYTHING IS SO ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!!!

The key thing is that I feel like I'm up at a resort in the mountains. Even my house itself feels very different on rainy days. I love it. Where I'm shut off from the hectic world and my family are able to stay together doing things together for those few precious magical hours totally uninterrupted. Like playing those 100 over but never touched board games in the little play corner of our house, sitting around the dining table munching my mom's freshly baked buns or pies and sipping hot tea, lounging around the living room talking about everything from childhood games to future jobs and marriage (lol) or just relax and listen to Jay Chou singing away on the Hi-Fi (All those slow Jay songs are like so lovely during rainy days!!! My family loves him lol), cramped into the tv room watching various movies together while fighting for the bags of chips (haha), all of us piled up on our parents bed chatting the night away etc.

It's times like these that makes me never want to leave. To always remain like this. One family all together. Knowing I won't be able to enjoy times like these when I attend college next year kinda hurts. That is the hardest to take of all. Even if I'm still with them then it won't be the same. After a year or so I won't be the girl I am now. In a few years I'll be an adult, no longer the little girl able to bounce crazily around the house whining about eating sushis to her daddy or screaming her idiotic head off when she catches a glimpse of NEWS on Animax. I never really thought about it until my daddy told me himself, which was partly why he made me stay back a year, just to spend more time with me and to let me take a long break to just have fun. I was really furious in the beginning but now I am extremely glad he did that. Happy that I had one year to just enjoy myself instead of rushing headlong into university right after SPM. Being able to break out of the mold made me see things some of my friends probably never got to see.

Growing up is hard. Separation is hard. Trying to remain the same is hard. I am so afraid I will screw up somewhere in university, knowing just how to easy it can be to make one wrong mistake and ruin my entire future. Hopefully all the endless advices and words of wisdom drilled into my head this year from my parents and various adults would stay in my head forever.

Sorry, rainy days tend to send me deep into thoughts and make me reflect on life a little more seriously. Anyway, I heart rainy days ♥~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heart rainy days even more now lol ^__^

**Yes, that IS Tegoshi and NOT some random girl. Prettier than you? LoL ♥

To My Dearest Best Friend....

I met you while we were in Kindergarten but the memory is kinda fuzzy now. We went on to the same primary school the following year and happened to be in the same class. Not knowing anyone except you at that time I sat next to you. I will ALWAYS remember that VERY day where our friendship actually began because that was the day you bravely save me from a bee sting.

I have always been afraid of bees and was petrified when one landed on my arm. I was staring at it in silent horror when all of a sudden you gallantly slap the bee away. I do not know if you actually know what the consequences was of slapping a venomous bee but at that very moment you were my hero. From then on, a roller coaster ride of a friendship began between you and me....

Your portable doll house is way CUTER than this

You would bring your cute little toys to school (I still remember there was one where you open a purple shell-case and it would transform into a house with furnitures in it) and play with me. Well, until the day one of the prefects confiscated it =( Then all of a sudden other friends came into our lives like Tiffany and Charis and our group of just you and me grew larger and I think I was quite mean because I chose Tiffany as my best friend at that time because I saw her more often at church. I am so sorry if you felt left out. But seriously, WE GOT BULLY YOU MEH?????!!!!! More like it was your brother who bullied me until I had to call my parents to come LOL ok this is stupid let's return to being all sentimental-like.....

Sadly we had to split during Primary 4 due to the change of classes and I moved to this silly over-competitive studious class where people are all so smart I felt inferior and life was hellish and I was so short and fat but that is not the point. We tried to keep in contact but the distance of the classes grew too wide and in the end we stopped altogether and found new best friends.

Enter year 2002 where we are now entering secondary school. Surprise surprise I found YOU standing beside me while I was entering the classroom. Having lost my best friends to other schools and was feeling all alone we decided to sit together once again. And now this is where the stupid infamous forever ongoing debate of 'WHO WENT IN FIRST AND SAT IN THAT CHAIR' comes in. Look Sha, best friend or not, it was ME who chose that place first, NOT you. I know you will slam me back with a message saying it's not true but you should just accept the truth my dear. This debate is sibeh infamous cause we got half the boys in the class to get involved in solving it but they were so scared by our arguments which got louder by the second that they decided to flee. I don't even know why we started this thing in the first place or why it's even important but best friends are just sibeh boh liao at times XP

Seeing as how we are like the tallest in the class where our line of vision falls directly in line with each other we became the best of friends instantly. Everyday you would bombard me with your Julia Roberts and I with my Westlife. Omg, I feel so noob remembering my obsession. And how we used to always poke each other into trying to make the other to befriend the girl in front of us as she looked so lonely. Later we discover her name was Annabel and all hell broke lose as she would ramble about Britney endlessly and me with my WL and Nasha with her JR till I'm sure everyone we met got quite fed up with us haha. Oh, do you still remember our huge fight regarding fish heads and bunnies??? ROFL the extreme lengths we went to piss each other off. The poems....omg omg omg so hilarious now I remember. Not fair you got your brother to side against me. 2 against 1. This is all NO THANKS to A FEW PEOPLE out there (you know who you are) that started this whole fight by commenting on our ID photos. I bet you people did it on purpose for your own amusement to see us fight. Hmph.

But life isn't rosy all the time and we discover just how dark it can get during Form 2 where life was full of betrayals, lies and jealousy. This is starting to sound like a soap opera and I think you TV producers out there should just make a series out of our lives hahaha. I don't know what happen but we met a group of people and everything changed. I don't even want to remember the details. All I know was everyday was filled with hurtful words, heartbroken tears, depression and malicious lies. We were driven apart by others and didn't even speak to each other for 8 months. This has got to be the worst year of our lives.

Ahem. But there IS always a LIGHT at the end of every tunnel and we found it a year later. In the end, we just wipe clean the entire slate, got rid of all the root of the problem and turn our lives around 180 degrees and ta-dah!!! Best friends AGAIN!!!! =D And this is where the REAL FUN starts.

This is just a fraction of what I keep

In case you're wondering Sha, I DO keep all the mementos you buy for me from all your various trips around the world and even the letter and postcard you sent to me from Bangkok which only reached my house ONE MONTH LATER after you came back thanks to your erroneous numbering of my postcode -_- Then there was the time we got so sian of hearing people swear that we decided to substitute it with 'toot' and in the end popularized it in Green Road. And do you remember this????

The wristband we made

Remember there is one year where Nike wristbands were all the rage? Me and Nasha were too stingy to spend a cent on those useless rubber things but wanted one desperately so in the end we resorted to making own own using black cellophane tape and gold and silver markers. Who knew it became quite popular in our forms and soon other class people started requesting for one too. Nearly our entire class people asked us to make one for them too including the teachers. Omg, it was insane. We used up like 3 huge roll of tapes. Some keep coming back each day for a new design. Jonathan was jealous when Kenny, Guo Yao them started wearing our wristbands instead and couldn't kek us anymore with his Nike wristband till in the end he gave in and asked us to make one for him too.

We are incredibly boh liao at times. heh.

I seriously cannot keep track of how many of the ridiculous things we started and the trouble we got into for some of them =P Then there is the little blue notebook where we wrote down all kinds of secrets and usual boh liao things inside for 6 months during every boring periods in class. How we had to wrestle the book back from Ah Hsiang violently when he snuck it away. I bet he didn't think we were that serious cause ever since then he stayed far far away from the book.

You were there when I went through some incredibly hard times during Form 5. You were always quick to comfort me when I was down. When we're together, the silence is comfortable and there is no need for words. You were the one who introduced me all kinds of weird food like 'bak gua on buttered bread', 'Bovril and butter sandwich' and 'Island Supreme Pizza'. And surprisingly they taste nice. Sometimes you would bring an extra container of delicious food your maid cooked for me while I'll bring an extra slice of pie or tart I baked and we'll just share it in class before the teacher comes in. We were so close to the point where everyone including teachers frequently call us by the wrong name at times like looking at you and calling you 'Hannah' 5 times in a row until I answer bewilderedly and they look at me in puzzlement for a second till their mistake dawns on them and immediately shout your name next and vice versa. When asked, they said it's because we're always together to the point they started seeing us as one which is quite annoying at times when I mistakenly get scolded for something you did lol. But life was so good with you. We could talk about almost just everything under the sun.

But as time goes by, lives changes. It's not hard to see that we are of almost two completely different individuals now and our interests are almost all polar opposites. Our circle of friends starts to differ too as our lives are taken up by different activities and subjects. Sometimes we hardly get to see each other at all and at times it feels like the old friendship is slowly slipping away. Like a wisp of smoke we're trying to hold onto.

But you know what Sha? It's okay for our lives to change. Our friendship may not be the same as before but what was once there can never be erased. We may not share any of the same interests now but we once shared a colorful past and that is worth more than anything. Even now, I know that I could still turn to you at any given moment and you would still be there to listen. I could just tell you any random stuff and you would still be able to understand me. Even if we hang in completely different circles now there is still no one who could possibly know me as you did. With you I don't need to hide or ramble on endlessly to fill the silence. There is something that was built so long ago through our friendship over the years that can never ever be replaced. You were once my best friend and always will be.

So my dearest best friend, today I would like to wish you a very

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY

and may God bless you always in your life. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to celebrate it with you as you didn't throw a party and my plan to take you out for dinner was one-upped by your parents who decided to take you out instead. So I shall try to find the most perfect gift for you ok? Have a smashing time at your Birthday dinner and enjoy being 18!!!!! Love you always.

Your best friend forever,
Hannah

Weddings

Yesterday I attended my cousin's wedding. She's only 19. A year older than me. Married.

I was stupefied when I heard the news. I simply cannot imagine myself getting married next year. SO YOUNG! I still wanna go college and be able to play as much as I want with no strings attached. To think that she would probably be caring for her first child next year while I go wild living the college life. Ok, I'm kidding. I won't go wild. I so do not want to end up pregnant with a marriage in tow before I hit 24 or 25.

But maybe she's really happy. I wouldn't know. I know I'll be devastated if it were me though. There was another bride there too that night and she looked around 16 *gasp*. After seeing them hor, all wild streaks in me disappear in an instant. I suddenly realize that it seriously isn't funny if I happen to screw my entire life up by doing something stupid in college. As much as I adore cute little baby boys I intend them to stay as other people's baby boys at the moment. Yes, yes this post shall serve as a reminder to me when I hit college for fear I might forget myself in a moment of passion ha!

Anyway, I dislike wedding dinners in Kuching. Dislike is considered very mild liao hor as my actual feeling towards wedding dinners are much stronger than that.

I HATE KARAOKE DURING DINNER!!!!!!!

Do you know how damn annoying it is or not to hear endless screeching Chinese oldies thanks to the low-end sound system? And do not get me started on all those tuneless singers! They all sound like a hybrid of crows and toads. I am so sick of "Ye Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin" already! Look, wedding dinners are not the time for you to show off your singing prowess or the lack of it in most cases. Please do join contests like Malaysian Idol or Celebriteen so we get a chance to tell you how much you suck. What were those brides and bridegrooms thinking? This is supposed to be your most romantic time in your life. Ok, aside from the wedding night if you must be so meticulous. And you're willing to let a bunch of tone deaf singers screech the guests into indigestion???

Plus the horrible red color found everywhere. So painful to the eyes. Oh forget tradition. If the tradition happens to be ugly then it's about time to change. After witnessing a dozen more so sub-standard weddings, I've already decided how mine should be. Which is nothing less but AWESOME enough to blow them away =D

First I want a church with a huge garden at the back where my wedding reception is to be held. There will be garlands of white and pink flowers everywhere. Still indecisive on whether to hold the ceremony in the church or in the garden. I shall have doves fluttering in between trees and a huge wedding arch at one end entwined with red and pink roses. There will be rows and rows of tables laden with dainty pastries and sandwiches. There shall be a fragrant aroma of flowers in the air and I shall resort to spraying perfume everywhere if the flowers dare fail to give out their scents.

No, I don't want a Merce. So boring. Unless it's a convertible Merce =) So my veil can billow gracefully in the air. Hahaha.

Then comes the wedding dinner. The part where almost EVERYONE screws up. NO RED! NO KARAOKE! NO ENDLESS YAM-SENG! NO CHINESE SONGS! *unless you're my beloved Jay Chou*

I've already decided on my color scheme yesterday while I was trying my hardest not to grimace at some songtoad's off-tune melody. It shall be none other than.................WHITE & GOLD. Ha! Bet you thought I was going to say pink right?! As much as I love pink and it's embolism of feminism I've decided to choose white and gold because of it's classiness.

It's my wedding ok. A one time thing only. So of course I would choose elegance and classiness over cuteness. Yes, no matter how much I enjoy looking at those cute Harajuku style outfits; at the end of the day I will still chose styles like D&G & Prada as my choice of outfit. Call me materialistic if you want, I don't care. I like styles like that as I'm tall and it fits me better than those Harajuku styles meant for petite people. I admire the Japanese trends but when it comes down to choosing, I'll still stick to the American trends. Was born and raised there for a period of time so my taste is still leaning strongly towards US.

Back to the dinner....the tablecloth shall be a lovely white and not some washed out red. No bloody annoying Chinese oldies. I shall hire a live band to play soothing music like ballads and jazz. Instead of the crude Yaaaaaaaaaam-seng it shall be replaced with "cheers". All the plain long glasses shall be replaced with wine glasses. Mine and my husband's shall be champagne glasses though as it's classier. During the toast I do not want to see a variety of Coke, Chinese Tea, Sprite and F&N Orange. So unharmonious. Instead everyone would be served champagne and the children Zappel so when you look across the room everyone would be holding glasses filled with the same color liquid. Lidat baru sui. No you are not allowed to sing unless you're my parents, sisters or best friend. Or Jay Chou. This is for the greater good, trust me. Yeah, in other words my wedding shall be completely Westernized. The only part I'll keep is the 'ang-pow' receiving part lol. The rest can go. If can hor, I think I'll just hold my wedding in US.

Oh, how about the wedding night you say? Got bed enough liao. I'll be too busy *ahem-ing* to notice if the surroundings are a hideous red or whatnot XD

Oh STOP giving me that incredulous look already. This is MY blog and I am allowed to be as frivolous as I want here. lalalala~

So what would your dream wedding be like? =D