Yoga Is Just Another Word For Unimaginable Pain

'Like what's the worst that can happen in a yoga class' indeed...

idk how about twisting your body into some sort of pretzel against your will before falling face first onto the floor and breaking your nose in the process?

Ok so I didn't break my nose (yet) but the zit there is totally flattened now. Oh yay.

So yoga is just about as easy as trying to touch the tip of your nose with your tongue. And about as enjoyable as getting your tooth extracted at the dentist. Without anesthesia.

And they say that Yoga is a good pain reliever.

Funniest joke I'd ever heard. HAHAHAHAHAHOW OW OW MY SIDES!!!

Anyway, as I was saying, yoga. Is nothing like you see on tv where everyone is all graceful limbs without breaking a sweat. Reality is...

-Feeling like an idiot when you're asked to do the down dog pose requiring you to stick your butt into the air......with like a dozen people outside snickering on their StairMaster.

-Looking into the mirror to admire your imagined gracefulness only to see a reflection of what you would look like dancing drunkenly to 'its raining men'.

-Discovering that you have muscles in places you never knew you have and twisting them into ways you are so sure its not meant to be twisted. And you know this when you hear dreaded snapping sounds.

-When asked to exude the grace of a swan, you find yourself exuding the grace of a hippo on roller skates instead.

-Falling down into a heap onto your right arm now folded at an awkward angle beneath you causing you to screech in pain thus elevating your previous status now to 'sissy screaming banshee hippo on skates' when you realized a heartbeat too late that balancing on one arm during your first yoga class in your life ever is probably a pretty bad idea.

-When you're asked to twist your arms around each other like twisted donuts...

-Before being asked to do the same to both your legs too, arms still twisted...

-While stooping...

-Before you're asked to unravel one leg and extend it backwards, one leg still in a stoop and arms still twisted....

-For TWO whole minutes...

-Whereby of course you have no choice but to FALL FACE FIRST midway through and lose your first kiss to the cold hard floor.

But nothing, nothing I repeat, could be as bad what happened when it came to the ending where we're asked to chant 'ooooommmm' 3 times.

And really I swear I tried my utmost best to refrain from laughing. The insides of my cheeks are like totally bitten into pieces seriously...

But when your head is filled with an image of a fat panda going OM NOM NOM with a bamboo sticking out from a lopsided grin it is very very very trying. All the more so when you try your hardest to push the image away while silently choking on your saliva as the people around you continue their chants and then....

STUPID PAC MAN HAD TO FILL YOUR BRAIN AT THE LAST MINUTE and really there is only so much a girl can take before she explodes into a hysterical fit of giggles.

Amidst a class full of serious dedicated yoga ooomm chanting students who are now looking as if they want nothing better but to eat me whole like aforementioned pac man.

Sigh. You know guys, I'm sure that pretty soon my gym would be paying me to leave.....

Step Plus Abs

So I finally decided to take advantage of the slew of classes (no extra charges) offered at the gym because I am so sick of exercising on my own. And the class I picked today was 'step plus abs' because I totally missed the morning's 'mat pilates' as I'd snoozed my morning away after staying up late watching episodes after episodes of The Golden Girls (don't look at me like that its funny okay) and CSI.

It was the most hellish one hour of my life ever.

So there was only 5 of us because most people choose the 7pm ones and I was the only beginner. You think this would be sufficient enough to get me running out the doors screaming but my braveness (or stupidity more likely) took over and I ended up staying.


First 10 minutes:

Oh this is fun! Step step step! Twist and turn! *hums happily in tune to the music* Oooh my legs look so long and slim in the mirror here. I wonder if the mirror is rigged? hmm... Left, right, left, right, step! Gimme gimme gimme more my hump my hump my hump oh gosh where do they get such awesome remixes? Side step, lift aaand turn! Ha I am so gonna be slim after a month of this and its so simple too =DDD


20 minutes later:

Omg this is harder than I thought!!! Ooof! How can a series of ridiculously simple steps be so tiring?! And I don't think my limbs are supposed to fly out recklessly from my body in all directions hmm *frowns* Oh wells, only 10 minutes left so I guess I can stick through it.....


25 minutes:

Just end it now omg! And shut up Britney you're the bitch here. Not me. No wait, that would be my instructor here who refuses to make eye contact with me in the mirror cuz if she did, she could so totally see this pleading eyes filled with tears and end this hell. And I do not want more damnit! *Gimme gimme gimme more* SHUT UP! ROAR!


30 minutes:

YES! FREEDOM! HEAVEN! *tears up*

A beat.

WTB WAIT WHY IS SHE STILL CONTINUING? ISN'T CLASS SUPPOSED TO END NOW???? I am dying here okay! D-Y-I-N-G! Hello? See the floundering fish in the mirror there? Yeah, thats ME. And pretty soon it'll be a dead fish if you don't stop this class now. What did she just say? New move? NEW MOVE?!!! THE ONLY NEW MOVE I WANT NOW IS ONE THAT SAYS 'and now just march it out RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR =D' Yes. A happy smiley because that is what she sounds like even when people around her are obviously like X__X (okay so its only me but details). I have a sadistic instructor =C


35 minutes:

Oh help me just what did I do to deserve such torture? Look God, I'm sorry I stole my sister's marshmallow yesterday night ok? I promise I'll buy a WHOLE NEW BAG of marshmallow for her in return if you'll just control the instructor mind to stop the class. Or you could also send a storm, hurricane, tornado whatever to break the electricity. I'll even attend youth class every single Sunday morning without complaints. So please?


37 minutes:

'Ok lets stop and drink some water =D'

YEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!
And no tornadoes/hurricanes/storms too! =DDDDD


38 minutes:

'ok now we shall go into another new move! =D'

WHUT? no? new move? there's still more? huh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That's it. I am so stomping on some innocent kitty later cuz I am sure nothing worse can possibly happen to me. ever. That is if I actually manage to survive through this class. Maybe I can clobber someone in this room on the head with some dumbbells before my last breath. Preferably the instructor.


40 minutes:

That's it. I HAVE ENOUGH. This is me putting my foot down and saying no more. *stomps foot on steps and glares defiantly out the glass walls* Why are there like 10 guys outside staring directly at me? Smirking no less? OHO! SO YOU THINK I CANNOT MAKE IT? Well, no way am I gonna give you that satisfaction.

NEVAAAR!!!


45 minutes:

#@$& YOU ALL WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EXACTLY? ROBOTS? THE CREEPY ENERGIZER BATTERY MASCOT? DURACELL BUNNIES?! DON'T YOU EVEN FEEL THE SLIGHTEST BIT TIRED? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HEY IF YOU STOP I'LL BE SO WILLING TO STOP ALONG WITH YOU THEN WE CAN ALL STOP AND SOON MISS CHEERFUL DURACELL BUNNY INSTRUCTOR UP THERE WILL HAVE TO STOP TOO YOU KNOW.
Save the world! Save ME!


50 minutes:

%$@# YOU ALL AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AAAND AGAIN.
Don't think I don't know you guys are aliens from outer space seeking to destroy the earth later in some earth destroying plan of yours. I can so totally see through your disguise of trying to blend in as one of us. Nice try though. But no human can go through all this hell with a smile on their faces like wtb just who did you picked as your model exactly? Ronald McDonald? Because he isn't real you know. HA! FAIL!


55 minutes:

I'm dying. And no one cares because everyone around me is a Duracell bunny alien who would only be too happy to see 'one human down so only 99234719238741092341 more to go yay!'

My last moments on earth.... Spent doing steps exercises.

My life is so pathetic.


65 minutes:

'class now is over so thank you all for coming today and have a nice evening! =D'

It's over?! For real? Impossible! Unless...OMG I'M DEAD. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN DID I DIED. And oooh why does heaven looks uncannily like my gym? OMG AM I IN HELL? Because if I have to go through this class for all eternity I'd rather be reincarnated as a beetle even.

No wait....I'm alive. Cuz my cellphone is ringing and daddy's asking where I am? idk, hell? *blinks* I mean I'm ALIVE *cries happily* and yeah I'm still at the horrible gym now please take me home asap!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After class....

Instructor: You're pretty brave you know. Steps is a class where people would know if its for them or not the moment we start and they'll leave after 10 minutes when they figure that they couldn't take it anymore but you stuck right through it =D I hope to see you again next week =DDD

Words cannot describe how I felt inside as soon as I heard this. Of course, outside I'm all smiles and 'thank you for the compliment' but inside....

WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE LEFT AFTER 10 MINUTES IF I WANTED TO?!?!?!?! THAT I NEEDN'T STICK RIGHT THROUGH THE WHOLE CLASS?! THAT IT WOULDN'T BE RUDE IF I JUST WALKED OUT AND LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS? I THOUGHT I HAD TO AT LEAST ATTEND ONE WHOLE CLASS BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER TO CONTINUE OR NOT AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I NEEDN'T?!

omg Americans and their peculiar little ways! So commonly known Asian courtesy doesn't applies here at all. People are free to leave and go any moment they choose and no one is to be offended. Darn it all I still have a lot to learn about the culture here. Apparently.

Anyway, as I'm still alive (yay me!) I decided to try out the yoga class tomorrow =) Like what's the worst that can happen in a yoga class? Besides me being kicked out for disrupting the class by bursting into laughter when they ask us to go 'ooooooommmmm'? Yo~ga ♪