I was angry.
Have been angry for a long time lately.
Angry at God for always shutting doors after doors and even after opening new ones, shuts them again a while later. Like a sick game of carrot dangling off a stick that never ends.
And so I question why life becomes much more perilous and filled with more obstacles than before after drawing closer to Him. I've sacrificed so much, worked so hard, studied so hard within these three years compared to the previous 18 years of my life and all I seem to get in return is yet more frustrations.
At times like this, I question why. I could have an easy life. I could have been like my friends where their latest worries is if that guy/girl likes them, the next travel destination, the next new phone they are gonna get etc. I would have been spending weekends eating out and watching the latest movies instead of having to find excuses to reject offers due to financial reasons. I could've been living that perfectly mapped out cookie cutter life my family had planned for me since kindergarten.
But no. You had other plans. And so far I've been pretty okay with it. Fine, take my gold and silvers away. Take my dream social life away too. If I am to be the cinderella after the clock strikes 12 where her fanciful dreams and riches dissipates into thin air then so be it. I'd just do my best and trust in You.
But its hard to keep the faith when I already did my very best and yet still have all my dreams and hopes crumble before me again and again by unforeseen circumstances I can't control. Its hard to want to trust when education, the only thing I have left to connect with peers, is also slipping from my grasp. I did my best. I got excellent results in return. I even won full scholarships. Everything was set. Is set.
Why spring something random like that on me? Why make me go through so many things, making me think that all those would work, give me that hope that its going to be okay if I do those, then take everything away again? Its not Your fault of course nor Your doing. But couldn't You have just smooth that bump in the road for me? Is that too much to ask for?
What do You want from me? I wish I knew.
I thought I knew.
Apparently, I thought wrong.
I follow, follow, follow but the roads only got tougher and tougher.
Now I'm lost.
And I seriously don't feel like following anymore. I feel like giving up. Others who chose the world seemed to be having a much better and easier time than me who chose this. Yes, I know its not me who choose but Your grace to accept me and I know. I was made to follow You. I know all these. All the right answers. No, not simply the right answers but the truth.
But just because its the truth doesn't make the situation easier to swallow. And right now I don't feel like I want the truth. I feel like being rebellious and running far away from You. I want to scream, yell and reject everything but I can't. Because darn it all its the truth and I cannot deny You even if my life depended on it.
This truth thing. ha.
Sometimes I wished I'd taken the blue pill instead. Sometimes.
So I angrily asked my daddy why. Why the more perilous the road seems the closer you draw to Him. Why why why.
"It's not because the road got any tougher now you're closer. Its just because now that you're closer to Him, your life is mostly centered around Him, so it seems like anything wrong must be due to Him. Others would have simply blamed it on anyone and anything around them instead."
Fair enough. But still, why so tough. Does it need to be so tough?! Must the path be riddled with just so many obstacles, despair and impossibilities? Why all these. Why why why.
"So miracles can happen."
And you know whats so frustrating about all that? he is right. Because at the end of the day, miracles do happen. Because when I least expect it, He steps in and blows me away with something amazing. Because just when I'm about to be swallowed forever by despair and hopelessness, He gives me something special that lets me know that He still remembers and cares. And through all these, I am reminded that He is indeed real and does loves me.
And its probably the reason why I have still not given up. Why I can't ever run far away from Him. I tried oh I've tried and contemplated letting go forever many many times. But still I find myself following Him even though I am so angry at times and want to do the exact opposite. Because you can't ever run from the truth. And although the path of truth is not, the truth itself is lovely. Have you ever experienced a miracle? Its really something quite amazing. Awe, disbelief, thankfulness, overwhelming love, renewed hope, joy, peacefulness, a sense of connection and something indescribable.
I am no longer angry.
But my future for this fall is still looking very bleak. If things don't change, I have to drop out of university. And I have no idea what to do next. Though the resentment is currently gone, the feelings of fear and frustration is still there.
And so I pray and hope for a miracle instead.