Friday, May 30, 2008

Plastic Smile

Friday, May 30, 2008

Lately I feel a lot like the song below:

"crack a smile
come up smile
flash a smile
plastic smile"

Have no idea what the whole song is actually about but I just feel very fakey-happy like the tune and my plastic smiles has been increasing at an alarming rate lately to people I don't like but seem to like me for reasons I cannot comprehend.

But why won't you get that I don't want to talk to you. I cannot stand your pace. Our cultures are just too far apart.

Just because you helped me once and I am friendly to you people does not give you the right to hug me. I stiffen and cringed inside before recovering to plaster a smile back on when the handshake turned into a hug from him.

Why do people here like hugging each other? I hate it. I barely know you. Everytime people start to greet me I unconsciously shrink a couple of inches away for fear they would pull me into a hug. I know people are starting to think I am cold but I cannot bear the thought of them touching me like I'm their closest friend.

This also reminds me of a guy at church too which I try to avoid at all cost every Sunday by running subtlety in the opposite direction everytime. Seriously he is weird la ok I wish he would stop staring at me at times it's unnerving *hysterical*

Just because I greeted him once out of politeness yet again he seem to think I want to be best friends or something. I swear if he ever lay an arm around me like he does to others I would scream.

Ok so I won't.

Because I am gutless and too polite just like that and would probably smile wobbly before crying myself to sleep at night and contemplating changing churches.

Then one Sunday I saw him approaching from the corner of my eye but soi soi I was currently stuck in a conversation with someone and cannot very well run away and so he just stood nearby staring at me waiting while I selfishly wish in my heart that the ground would open and swallow either one of us up. Preferably him.

Then just when I was about to escape my MOM -of all people!!!- *glares* betrayed me by going all 'he wants to greet you' loudly to me and I guess my look to her must have been extremely venomous at that time cause she was smiling cheekily back at me.

WHAT LA HOR she obviously saw my discomfort and the huge blinking neon sign 'Leave Me Alone' flashing madly on top of my head and yet she still do this to me?!?!?!?!?!?!

I looked down and squeezed my eyes shut. Wondering if maybe, just maybe I should let go. Just throw away all inhibitions. Just endure conversations that don't interest me. Agree with their impractical desires instead of immediately thinking up a gazillion life and money management plans for them in my head. Convert to their culture. Just let them hug me. Smile at them openly. All to people I don't like and will never like.

Why can't I???

But then that would mean slowing myself down drastically to suit their pace. Making myself available for all their plans or talks when I know so well that I can never click with them as once I don't click the first time I meet you, I probably never will. And letting them touch me which I cannot stand. And I realize that atm I just don't have the capacity in my heart to love somebody like that unconditionally without a hint of biasness just like that. Maybe one day America would change me and I'll become those freely uninhibited people, I don't know. But as for now.......

I opened my eyes, looked up and extended my hands towards him.

Plastic smile perfectly in place.

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