Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Girls Think Too Much

Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So I just came back from a 3 day church retreat and was feeling more miserable than anything. Actually, I have been feeling extremely crummy lately and after HOURS OF TIME-WASTING THINKING last night, causing me insomnia and a pounding migraine this morning, I suddenly realized the source of all my late woes:

Sisterly Bonding.

No, not the blood sister kind -I love my 3 lil sisters to itty bitty pieces and they are so bitingly rational and real its love- but the one where you get together with a group of girls and talk and share about your abstract feelings and thoughts.

The horror.

See my church has this supposedly awesome idea that all girls should bond because same-sex friendships are the strongest and best whatsoever, completely disregarding the fact of tomboys like me who absolutely cannot stand for drama and tears and whatever girl talks out there. Unless its makeup brands or the best crunchy cookie recipe in the world ever.

And so I was thrust into the world of girl-to-girl talks and whatever and suddenly I become this sniffling emotional wreck who think herself inadequate in many ways.


I am self-capable (ok with God's help and blessings of course) and smart and strong and logical and rational and the list goes on and I WILL EMBRACE THAT. Why must I cry? Why must I think that there has to always be something wrong with me? Or that maybe I might be offending someone out there who I have no idea even exist but should they exist, I must be careful that I don't offend them by prevention and all these crazy notions.

Not to say I am totally self-sufficient and above everyone else and yes I do need help every now and then and encouragement and comfort but not at this rate where like every time I meet up with them, there is something I must confess that I have done wrong but never what I did right. Or that maybe I am subconsciously making others fall because I watch anime which is related to hentai in her weird world (Hentai is hentai, anime is anime la hor!!!!) or I am trying to get guys to sin because I dress nice. Not slutty mind you. Decently nice. Sorry if you think I look good still covered up from head to toe -rolls eyes-

All this so I can draw nearer to God.

Funny now that I reflect back cuz if anything, I felt further and further away from Him lately instead.

I remember being happy and loved and assured in my faith. Then after meeting with them constantly I felt drained both emotionally and physically. I felt like nothing I did could ever amount to anything. I felt like I must do a million and one things in order to get closer to Him.

I became insanely depressed.

Then the last few days at the retreat, I sat with guys during meal times and thinking back, those were some of the bright spots in the retreat (besides the awesome messages) because I remember not having to put up any kind of front. Of being able to just be myself, exchanging crazy stories and debating talking about non-emotional things like politics or career goals and whatever new fangled gadgets and ideas that had just hit the market.

So I wondered why I stopped hanging out with guys because in the past, all my friends were guys, and realized that it was because of the church motto, habits whatever that makes you feel like you are intentionally hitting on them if you were to hang out with them more. Also, they don't seem to believe in platonic friendship between both genders. idk but I swear I don't feel like dating them at all but just want to share their hilarious jokes.

See, I like laughters over tears.

If you fail, cry for a while then pray, smile and get going. This was why I was always able to succeed in everything I do.

Not spend hours crying about how horrible we are.

The sisters are great and nice people but omg I cannot go on like this anymore or I will end up atheist or something. Ok just kidding about the atheist part but I will end up in mental clinics for sure. Maybe it helps them but it doesn't help me the slightest.

So I am going to see my pastor tomorrow and demand out. Would probably end up hurting all of those sisters if they knew but omg cannot. I will suffer forever instead if I remain silent. Thankfully there are a few sisters who are like me and very rational and off-handish but still very kind and strong and I loves them and want so desperately to hang with them and have them as my leaders because they look like someone who would scold me outright if I make a mistake instead of tiu-ing at me but just my luck I go dress super girly they thought I was the ultimate girl and pair me with super sensitive and emotional female leaders and so now I'm like this split-personality non-functional person.

Also, girls think way too much. I notice that when you start thinking too much, the whole world would look bleak and meaningless (which is but doesn't mean you can't make the best out of it) and then you feel crappier and do crappier things and feel crappier-er so you think more on how to fix it and it end up at square one only 10 times crappier and its like this spiral downwards to crappiness.

Therefore, think just enough then do do do. Don't ponder this and that aspects ah. If guys tell you you are thinking way too much, you probably are and should stop because they hardly think at all and if you assume all your weird far-fetched imaginations of what he is thinking as real, you will destroy both him and you. Confirm one.

Gah. Going tomorrow. No more of this 24/7 crying emotional mess nonsense. I'm getting my life back together with along with happiness.


Takahashi said...

I found this blog by searching the words Hanahime, a beautifual Japanese combination of Flower and Princess. Anyway... I see your troubles and for once, I suppose, I find that you kinda think like I do. I think a whole lot, especially at night, give effort and push on. Do your best at what you do. The Page is very cute by the way. I wonder if I took an odd approach as just being a stranger... Anyway, take care.

hana said...

@takahashi: then you probably aren't thinking too much cuz thinking and all that is good but when you go over a certain line (like i did lately), it only demotivates you. I will push on ^^ And thank you for the compliments <3 Took me hours to design ages ago XD Nah, if I find comments from strangers weird, I would have made this blog private in the first place :)

faye said...


You? Inadequate? Horrible? Depressed?

I don't know what your exact situation you're in, but sounds like to me you've gotten mixed up with some fundamentalist (more like extremist imo) christian type group that love to squeeze out Christ in the well-meaning christian. They're probably the type that goes around waving placards saying Harry Potter is EBIL WITCHCRAFTZ and Barrack Obama is the devil because he has a muslim name and are basically just ignorant about the rest of the world. And that anime-is-hentai crap is so OLD, I can't believe they're still singing that tune. If they think you're dressing 'sluttily' and 'tempting guys' I'd tell them to go back to their Amish and LDS camps and marry their own brothers and sisters.

Sorry just got a bit mad after reading your post. These americans make me sick sometimes. America is the land of the free, but there's such thing as too much freedom and that's veryyyyy bad. Eg gun culture, the view that corporal punishment for kids = child abuse oh man that makes me so mad. Go give them a piece of your mind I say.

On a side note, this really reminded me of this graphic novel I read, called Blankets by Craig Thompson. It's really good but kinda sad. Check it out at the library or something if you can. And don't let those rednecks get you down again.

hana said...

@faye: LOL thank you for the concern ♥ But nah, they are not fundamentalists. I don't think you can find any of that sort in CA XD They actually support HP more than me lols. The anime hentai crap thing is believed by only a few of them I think who HAPPENS to be MY spiritual leader but I set her straight on that. GAH. But she still don't really believe me -____-

They are actually Asian Americans but the issue here I realized is that almost all come from broken families where certain struggles are really real to them which I don't understand because I never felt those growing up so I can kind of see where they are coming from but IT DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ME ACCORDING TO THEIR PAST SELVES.

I already gave them a piece of my mind somewhat but I dont think they are getting it. Might have to change church if this goes on.

I will check out that book IF I can actually find a library in this cow town :C What do you mean graphic? As in pictures or explicit lols.