Friday, January 21, 2011

I am not you...

Friday, January 21, 2011
So, after writing my previous post I went to have a chat with the pastor's wife yesterday.

I got tons of things off my chest and got a few insights. Not all to which I agree to but some I find true.

So the issue with me is I am work-oriented and weak in the people relations area which I admit is very true unless you're my superior in work or a really good friend I can click with then yes I have no problem spending time with you but if you're full of problems then yeah.....

Which is what the church is.

I realized that most come from broken families including the leaders and thus I think they don't really have a grasp on what family love really is or how we act. To say that I am unhealthy being close to my family so much and I should be out making lots of strong friendships with girls is not something I really agree on. It was my family that kept me from going astray. Same like their friendship with other girls kept them from going astray. Different people, different lives, different methods.

My family is like my closest friends. I turn to them for support and guidance and they are quick to reprimand me if I am wrong which looks like I don't listen at times but I do inside and I do try to change. Plus, families are the one with unending love for you and people you know you can truly trust. At least, for my case.

When I hang out with other girls and try to learn to rely on them like they do each other, I only end up more lost. Sometimes it feels they are subtly leading me astray. Not in the lets go party sense but like I find myself depressed or stuff because they are depressed. I am a feeler so I am easily affected by emotions around me if I get to close to it.

Thus, I need distance and alone time every now and then to clear my head.

But their problem is they cannot be alone or they will go further astray and so they think I am the same and call me almost EVERY SINGLE DAY ALMOST EVERY HOUR DIFFERENT PEOPLE EACH TIME as if they are worried I will be off cutting myself, partying it up or idk what else they can think of the moment I am left alone. Just because I sounded a tad sad during our last meeting. What they fail to realize and understand, no matter how many times I try getting it through their skulls, is that I can feel sad or angry then and let it alllll out that moment so I can go off being happy after I find a solution during my alone time where I will either pray, read the Bible or talk to the family. I am pretty independent and do not go on feeling depressed for the entire week but at the rate they keep calling me, I WILL end up feeling depressed -___-

So anyways, the pastor's wife made a point that if I desire to go into ministry, I have to minister to women and not brothers which is just wrong and I agree cuz sex and money are the two things that causes scandals and thus it means I have to try and understand and interact with all sorts of female kinds now to help me better understand and reach out to people. Yah, after hearing this I am starting to have 2nd guesses of being in ministry if it means having to immerse myself in such drama 24/7. BUT I digress. The Bible did say that it is the sick who needs treatment after all so she isn't that far off the mark of me having to bring myself down to try to understand others and be Greek to Greeks even if you are Jew like what Peter said. Or was it Paul. She quoted so many scriptures I kind of lost track hmm...

And she said I have to stop running away from problems like I did in high school where I never hanged out with girls cept the bff cuz I hated the slander, gossip, drama and crazy cattiness that goes on in girl world. I myself wouldn't call it running away. I'd call it distancing myself from the bad but I cannot say this lah later she thinks I'm self righteous or something.

So running away or keeping away from danger?

Which is it?

I cannot tell.

Am I running away and not facing my inability of trying to understand others or am I being smart by avoiding myself from trouble so I won't fall the way they do which is like now where I feel depressed for no reason at all just because they are depressed.

I see both sides. I understand her point of me having to come off my comfortable pedestal if I were to go into ministry in the future because 75% of the world have those struggles that I can't relate to but are real. Or aren't fortunate enough to be in a loving family like mine. And I have to learn to love and understand and guide them according to the scriptures.

At the same time, I am easily affected by others emotions and cannot think straight for myself if I stay with these sort of people.


I have suddenly come to a conclusion as I am writing this.

I think the best approach is to read the Bible more and seek Him more earnestly so I won't be easily swayed by others feelings so I can still hang out with them at the same time and teach myself how to love and improve my people relating skills.

Sounds good to me.

Also, I realized that there are more ministries than just women ministry (I still think this is a nightmare sorry) such as children ministry or mission fields and I can tell you right now that I am more willing to give up all my pretty gadgets and live in some kampung or jungle for years if I have to cuz even though I don't have the comforts of life, hey at least everyone is the same. Can concentrate better. Unlike if you go into the ministry my church is into right now where you are constantly stuck in their world so you feel the pull of the material world every now and then but you really don't care much for it but they keeeep talking about it cuz its their struggles and then you start to slowly go crazy lols. Well, me at least.

But hey you never know. 10 years from now when I go back to read this post, I myself might be spearheading a sister ministry or something. God works in funny mysterious ways after all. But for now, not in my plans whatsoever at all.

I am not planning to go down this path of their though. I don't think I can ever minister as well as them to broken families because I don't come from one like they all do and no matter how I try, I don't think I can go to that level.

I wonder if I am in the wrong church at times. Hmm. Must pray more about this issue.

Anyways, need to tell them to stop calling me like today where my pastor's wife sneakily called all the girls I mentioned that I can somewhat click with and have them each just randomly call me to ask me to hang out. I wouldn't have thought so if they didn't call me like successively in turn. Subtlety. Obviously they are not getting it hahahaha.

Don't get me wrong. This church has the nicest, kindest people you can ever hope to meet. They paid for all my meals and willingly take me from places to places without complain.Their sincerity and love for God and His people are very real as you can observe for yourself and hear from their testimonies. The only problem is that while I appreciate those efforts sincerely, it is not what I need. I need strength and not someone who view me from their cookie cutter mold and thus misinterpret all the signals I give off. When I tell people about my financial issues, I don't want sympathy. Yes, it hurt. Yes I was bitter back then. But guess what, I am over it. I am happy with my life right now and I tell you so only so you understand me when I turn down your offers to go out because I cannot afford it. I am not ashamed of my status. I once had everything and I am happy. Its a different life now and I accept it. But can you accept it? Stop thinking that it must be hard for me right now. Yeah its tough but God came through for me each time. Why won't you see that part instead? And learn to rejoice with me?

I know my problems and struggles. I think its time they realized theirs and stop viewing me from the materialistic viewpoint. The material world no longer holds the same spell it used to have over me so giving me solutions pertaining to the material viewpoint is useless.

You know what, after writing this, I think what I'm gonna do is go check out a few other fellowship groups after midterms next week. That and resuming my daily devotions earnestly.

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