But what if it were the other way round...

It's 4am now but I can't seem to go back to sleep.

So here I am writing down my jumbled pieces of thoughts. Something I never do because I care too much about opening up to others but I am too tired to care atm.

People always say that parents find it hard to let go of their children. Its like this general consensus among everyone. Every time when adults ask me where I plan to transfer to and I say Berkeley, they would immediately go 'trying to get as far away from the parents as possible eh? They'll never really let go won't they?' while smiling knowingly at me.

And unbeknown to them, I would feel a pang of sadness just ripping right through me then as I realized the implication of the statement, the distance, and its all I could do to not cry.

Because getting as far away from them as possible is the last thing on my mind. The truth is I find it hard to let go myself. I honestly don't know what I would do without having my parents within my reach. To feel all happy and have no one to harp on and on to without abandon, to be down at times and have no willing shoulder to cry on to or spill my heart out to, no more pick me up hugs, spontaneous prayers when I am having difficulty with my studies or life in general, nightly talks, thoughtful surprises, stupid jokes, meaningful encouragements, biblical talks and the list is just endless.

Its way different from friends.

Today is already November. The month for uni applications. And together with the anticipation comes the equal dread of reality.

When I first came here, my goal was to get into UCLA. I didn't even have a major then. After 2 years of emptiness and frustrations, I finally found it not long after that one night of tearful prayer. It was sudden and honestly the last thing on my mind cuz a year back I was scorning the very idea but then there was this inner peace when I made my decision. When I told daddy, he told me he felt the same immediately too.

Things slowly fell into place and one thing led to another and somehow I stumbled into a Berkeley counselor who enrolled me in their special transfer program together with a whirlwind of activities and I find myself considering this university instead. I was truly honestly very happy.

Till now.

Suddenly the tiny doubts and worries are creeping up everywhere and I find myself at loss once again. I no longer know if what I am doing is right. And when it comes right down to it, I don't want to leave. I don't care if its a mere 6 hours drive or 1 hour flight, the fact remains that I would only be able to see my family on Thanksgiving, Christmas and some other odd holidays thanks to daddy pointing it out to me in the car the other day. There is a reason why I'm always hanging around my family. Its not because my parents are keeping a tight leash on me which I'm desperate to break free from but simply because I enjoy their company so much. My sisters too. With them I can be myself. And if they do decide to return to Malaysia for good after the next year then what would I have left?

I know I'm being stupid. That everyone has to let go one day when one finally finds the other half and build a family. But that is precisely why I want to drag out this period of togetherness for as long as I can where I am just solely their ridiculous 19 year old and not a wife or mother of someone too because then the feeling would be very different. I would no longer be able to hop in between them under the blankets to ramble about my day, fail over my fav. idols with them, pester them to take me to places while sneakily try to see if I can get away with them paying for some of my frivolous purchases which always end up into those 'hmmph I think I spend too much on you Hannah I wonder if you would give me money when I grow old hmmmph' grumbles and other downright silly but strikes of nothing but warmth and familiarity doings.

And so here I am stuck in this complicated confused mess.

In the end, I know I'd probably leave if I get accepted. And even if I don't go, they might leave for someplace else anyway. Its really coming to an end isn't it? Only a year left. Its funny how when I was 15 I used to dream of this day, the day where I can finally be 'free', only to have this day come all too soon and wishing it never have to...