Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sound Like A Californian in 7 Easy Steps

Thursday, September 18, 2008

So you love California, you think Los Angeles the most glamorous city on earth, and you're tired of your boring country and want nothing more but to live, eat, breathe in this glorious sunny state. In other words, you want to become a chic Californian.

So you book yourself an appointment with the tanning salon, buy all the skimpiest clothing you can find, carry an iPod with you everywhere and even have your entire 'How to Speak Fluent English' book memorized by heart. Yet as soon as you open your mouth to speak, people all go 'so where are you from exactly?' and you are annoyed and wonder how they saw through your guise.

But fret not! After months of observation, I now bring you a guide on total Californification and today we shall cover the topic of 'The Art of Speaking Californish'* =)

1. Always start every conversation with 'how are you' before going into your main reason even if you couldn't give a rat's butt on how the other is actually faring. Do note then when asked this, you must reply with a 'oh I'm fine' and nothing else because this is solely everyday formalities and not an open invitation for you to share your sob stories.

2. Abuse the word 'like' excessively. You know you've achieved total Californification when are able to drop it after every 3 or 4 words.

eg. Like you know how she like caught her boyfriend like cheating on her like in broad daylight like last week like with this girl who's like a total slut who like slept with like 2/3 of the campus guys like really, I heard she like has a million STDs like eww you know and like the only reason she like didn't sleep with the like other 1/3 was like cuz they were like you know, like gay. Like I said...

I swear this is true ok omg, well not the story but the 'like' thing omg I really wanted to strangle this girl in the library today and was this close to screaming 'I LIKE DUNNO YOU BUT LIKE CAN YOU LIKE SHUT UP?!'

Damn annoying but probably the easiest way to speak like a Californian.

3. Exaggerate your words. Nothing is ever just an average 'okay', 'smart, 'fun', 'pretty', 'bad', 'stupid' or 'nasty' but instead more of a 'wonderful!', 'brilliant!', 'awesome!', 'gorgeous!', 'shitty!', 'idiotic!' and 'A-hole!'. Yes, the exclamation point is not to be missed.

4. Replace most item names with 'shit'.

eg. Boy A: Omg that's the coolest looking piece of gadget shit ever!!! How much was it?

Boy B: Around 300.

Boy A: Man, that's some expensive gadget shit.

Boy B: I know but this gadget shit has like the most awesome functions shit ever!

Of course, not all Californians talk like this but certain groups do. Depends on who you wanna hang with.

5. End your sentences with a '*pause* so yeah' whenever you lost track of your thoughts or do not know how to continue your sentence (which should be often because Californians are known to have short attention spans and tend to ramble to the point they themselves have no idea what they were trying to say).

6. Play ballet with your vocal chords. Californians never speak in flat tones. Speak as if you're asking a question with your voice and preferably an octave higher and lighter (like dancing with your voice) if you are mainly from the South-East Asia region where people are normally too lazy to raise their tone =P

7. Always remember to talk LOUDLY. Be it to another person, in a group or on your cell. By the end of your conversation, everyone within a 100 mile radius would know by heart where you're going tonight, what you're gonna wear, who you're going with, what you think of that girl's fat thighs, your significant other bad habits, how you lost your virginity etc.

Oh trust me, the amount of gossip one can gain in 15 minutes is awesome. You don't even have to try. Just innocently happen to be nearby and like it or not, you'll know every detail about so and so thoughts and life stories.


Congratulations, you have now reached the end of this guide and if you had followed this guide diligently, you would have achieved the first step towards total Californification!

Now go practice your talking skills because as they say, 'practice makes perfect' =)

After you've master the art of speaking like a Californian, you may proceed onto the next chapter which would bring you closer to turning into a total Californian

*may be applicable to other states as well but the author does not guarantee it.


Akira 思胜 said...

Haha, got this kind of stuff? The Art to speak Carlifornish?

Faye said...

Actually you don't need to go that far. You get america-culturephilic people who talk and act like bona fide americans by watching Disney channel and E!. Seriously. Pseudo-american accent also got.

hana said...

@akira: Got. They have like their own slangs and stuff =PPP

@faye: Haha those people. I think they are largely from the Lodge breed lol srsly I can tell a Lodgian from others as soon as they open their mouths to speak haha but it still doesn't sound the same as the real thing though haha. TV and rl is quite different =)

Leira said...

@Faye: Disney Channel and E! have like censored language and they talk way better than they do on the streets. Ppl here throw in a bunch of **** words into their conversation.